The Oscar Nominations Are Out, and It Seems I Must Slap My Grandmother.

I was surprised and giddy and thankful to find Robert Downey Jr. nominated for Best Supporting Actor. If you read the last paragraph of my "Tropic Thunder" review, you'll notice two things:

(1) An explanation of why Downey Jr. is brilliant.

(2) Doubt that the Academy would ever recognize Downey Jr. for his work. The specific comment: "It is highly unlikely Downey will get an Oscar nomination for this performance, but I would slap my grandmother if it would get him a nod."

No, I did not slap my grandmother, but maybe I owe her one.

For your official records, here is a list of the Oscar nominations. There has been a lot of savage weeping online about "The Dark Knight" being snubbed. It's not in the Best Picture or Best Director lists, and this fact causes Pain to shoot into people's Groins.

I'm glad Heath Ledger was nominated, as my "Dark Knight" review was totally dedicated to his manipulation of the audience and menacing effort. But I will not sob about any snubbing.

You might be disappointed that "The Dark Knight" wasn't nominated for Best Picture or Best Director, but it doesn't deserve either, Mr. President. Here is the intel:

1. Maggie Gyllenhaal's performance was flaccid, and her cheeks are too fucking monstrous. But I won't put all the blame on her because her character never had anything going for it. Childhood friend, sweet lawyer, shaking her head back and forth while she talks to Bruce Wayne. Jesus Christ, no film deserves Best Picture or Best Director with a savagely uncreative beast like that.

2. Christian Bale's Batman is a Sissy attempting to hide his tears by speaking in the lowest, brawniest voice he can muster behind his pathetic hyperventilation and disposition to panic attacks. This is not how a knight speaks.

3. The Nolan brothers can't incorporate themes into a script without having characters indicate that the themes are indeed there. What the fuck is this, Bible school?

The final line of the film:

Gordon (Gary Oldman): Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.

God bless Oldman for going through with That Shit.

The truth is that eight nominations for a comic book film is a huge achievement, and that's all it deserves, friendz.

'Gran Torino': Race and Religion in the Theater

I had never heard so many different racial slurs in one sitting, barring that one George Carlin routine about how bad language is bullshit. The first instance occurs when Clint Eastwood opens his door and finds a Chinese boy standing on his porch. "Zipperhead" is fired from Eastwood's mouth before he shuts the door.

I wasn't counting the slurs, but I remember the audience laughing the most when Eastwood directed his anger toward a group of three young black men.

But hell, I thought Eastwood was funny, too. But when Racism is involved, an important distinction is whether you are laughing at something fucked up or laughing because you are fucked up.

OK, sermon over. I have no right to make assumptions about white people in a Mississippi theater.

Speaking of sermons, I felt like I was leaving church when I made my way to the exit. I saw young adults, middle-aged folk, and senior citizens--and what seemed to be children standing around the very front row. And most people looked solemn and respectful. Eastwood got his guts blown out, which gave me a feeling similar to when I watched John Wayne die in "The Cowboys" (two death spoilers in one sentence, OUCH). But the other audience members. Looking at their faces, it would seem they had watched Christ die.

But who better to worship than Eastwood? "Gran Torino" was a straightforward story, even cliched. But the man with slits for eyes and the warmest scowl made it special.

Jesus, Eastwood, don't let it be your last one. You wrinkled old cracker.