Months ago I did not want to see the new "Star Trek." I've seen most of the films and a few episodes from almost every series, and I like "Star Trek IV" the most because it has the best sense of humor. Director J.J. Abrams seems to have no sense of humor, so I thought avoiding his film would be wise. That was before a multitude of people praised it and got me curious.
Thank Christ for Karl Urban. He plays Bones, the blunt doctor who gives "Star Trek" its humanity, and consider my ass laughed off at Urban's performance.
But Abrams, that vicious bastard, would be damned if Spock and Jim aren't the Humans of "Star Trek." For example, Abrams makes Uhura, the foxy communicator, Spock's girlfriend. Thus, we are supposed to believe Spock is human--even though the two performers have no Chemistry and their relationship has the depth of a mud puddle I pissed in as a child because I wanted it to be bigger.
Oh, and Jim hangs from ledges a lot. But I understand why Abrams uses this device: characterization. Jim is Tough, but he hangs from ledges, so he's an underdog in hard battles, too!
You also see Scotty and Chekov, whose appearances only amplify the silliness of the film, which is fine by me. Too bad Scotty shows up too late, but it's better than watching Spock and Uhura make out just because the director thinks kissing between a Vulcan and Human is deep.
The new music is UNACCEPTABLE. I can't remember any of it, with the exception of a generic "BUM! BUM! BUM!"
Some of you might ask, "Does it stay faithful to the original series, or does it strike a new path?" My answer? I wish it was funnier, so I wish Bones was the doctor AND captain. Why should I care about all this other nerdy bullshit? Make it funnier, you bastards!
Does the movie look good? Yeah, it has good-looking spaceships and laser beams, but I don't jack off to that anymore.
Finally, the villian sucked. Unfunny, uninteresting. Should have had more facetious dialogue. Should have been played by Alan Rickman.
Every movie should have Alan Rickman as a villain.
Can you imagine that? Bones is the captain, and Alan Rickman is the villain. Abrams really needs to get his head out of his ass.
If it seems like I'm pissing on good fun, maybe I am. Or maybe fun equals more humor (think "Star Trek IV") and less gratuitous genocide (think Vulcan and Romulan planets destroyed).
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
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